So there's this one lady's place that my sister and a lot of her friends go just to hang out every weekend. She (the host) is very nice, but let's just say that not all the people there are very receptive to me. Therefore, the only reason I go is for the guy I like (yes, the same one I've mentioned before). He's the only thing that makes it worth it.

( i already mentioned no one knows right? )

goes by really, really slowly. But at least I have a super nice supervisor.

( seriously, he's the nicest guy ever! )

He's not the one for me. And I'm not the one for him. I can't be, unless we can get past that whole existence of God thing :\

It's one thing to go to church to find cute girls, another to truly believe. Although others gave me the impression that he wasn't all that devout, I beg to differ. I couldn't argue with someone so dependent on faith for motivation, or rehabilitation, not if I really cared about them. And I do. I care about him. So I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings like that. I couldn't :( Because my lack of faith is not something I'm willing to compromise on.

That's not going to stop me from wanting his affections, but hopefully it does keeps me from doing anything stupid (like confessing my feelings). I should also mention that after some social network stalking, I found that (of course) he likes girls with strong personalities, who are easygoing yet spontaneous. And of course, that's not me; not by first impression anyway. People don't generally react well to my flower on the wall to loud-mouthed nuisance transformation. Because if they liked me for being quiet they don't like when I speak up later. I do fit the latter requirements though, for what it's worth. Anyway. I should be thinking about prospects as well, though I hadn't even given a crap about them before when it came to him.

He's worked straight out of high school. He can't spell (or chooses to spell things wrong). He teases me a lot and I have to remember not to feel like crap when he does because he's only joking. And to be frank, he has facial hair. All of these things would usually bother me. But with him, they don't.

I'm still blinded by my infatuation and all I know is that I want him for myself because I've already reached the point where I go to unnecessary means to see him (and when I do my metaphorical heart aches), the point where I wait and pray he pays some attention to me (no matter how minuscule, and even even though I can never bring myself to meet his gaze), the point where I always feel like something's missing once we part. Fucking ridiculous. I'm a wreck.

So since I've failed to keep you updated, there's a lot you've missed out on. I'll try to remember what I can, but at this point I'd be lucky even to remember the most important things. So here we go, let me give it a try:

( he's the one at the front of my mind right now )

It's been a long time. And I won't be saying a lot today either. Amazingly there's too much to talk about. Got plans to go to Ala Moana with both Trinh and Marcie tomorrow. It's going to be epic (possibly). It'll make me happy at the very least. Hopefully them too. I have been falling behind on my readings so yeah summer school is continuing to be a total bitch. Later.

So tomorrow on King Kamehameha Day I'll be going shopping with Trinh at Ala Moana (hopefully I can convince her to see a movie because I would like that^^). Today I found out I got a 90 on my first paper. Bullshit the professor expected certain things to be talked about and didn't make them actual requirements! But I shouldn't bitch too much since he was quite obvious about it. But still! I don't have room for any <A's here. 90 won't cut it if I want an A in the class. I'd have to be perfect on every paper following as well as the quizzes in order to get an A now. So it's probably worth revising. I messed things up for my sister's boyfriend's early surprise birthday party. I saw them at WalMart while I was looking for the materials I'd need and spilled the beans. For what it's worth I told my sister I can't keep secrets like that. But fuck I still feel horrible because I may just have messed everything up! Hopefully he doesn't catch on otherwise I just single-handedly ruined the fun :(

I am proud to announce that earlier today I was ahead on my work for my online course and as long as I continue to bring my computer to school every day I don't see why I couldn't be ahead all the time. Then papers would be my only real problem for the course. I might be the only one keeping up with all the work at this point. Here's hoping that I keep it up.

Invited Marcie to the fair this weekend. Still awaiting on some responses though (like if she wants to bring more people). Next week Wednesday is Sean's birthday so we came up with the idea of making him cake or cupcakes of some sort, especially since his celebration is going to be in the middle of the day and I won't be able to be there. Honestly though, I'm less disappointed than I could have been because the friend of his that I like said he has to work. If things go my way then I'll go clubbing with them on the weekend and get to see him. Of course it will be reminiscent of the horror that was the first and last time I went clubbing with them T_T.

I hope I made the right choice by "rejecting" him. It was mostly only because I was literally leaving for school again the next day. And I missed his birthday too, it was right when I got back :(

Had a good time this weekend, but now I have to suffer for putting off my schoolwork. Don't have nearly enough time to check the LJ. Think I'll probably have to give it up this summer just like I did last. Maybe I can catch up a little during the second half but I did want to be working and hanging out with friends so idk :|

That's an old word that I made up a long time ago to replace curse words. Unfortunately the only real bad thing about the word is that there's no good way to shorten it. In any case, seeing as it was already difficult keeping up with daily blogs when I was free most days, I don't know how I'm going to keep it up with school and now attempts to socialize on top of all that.

So tomorrow I'm getting together with some people and it's going to suck because I'm fat but they want to go to the beach. I don't have a lot of options for swimwear that makes my cellulose less offensive than it already is. I know these people won't judge me for my weight but the problem is my own self-esteem and the fact that I don't like parade-ing around with my fat hanging out - it's practically a disturbance to other people for goodness' sake.

It's midnight and we're leaving at 7 in the morning. So I have from now until then (hopefully with a shower and sleep included in between) to find out what I need to bring but most importantly whatever the hell I'm wearing. I know who's coming to dinner and probably therefore who will be beaching it with us, but I don't know if they intend to have more people join us at the hotel after all that. I would like that of course (to add people AFTER beach time) but who cares what I want this isn't going on for me.

Because I made an ass of myself in so many ways it's fucking embarrassing. Right now I'll focus on doing my work, I don't even want to talk about it :/ Though I will say this: it's like the more I like my ethnic lit professor the less I like my asian humanities one ;~;